Refections of the Past

Sometimes its hard not to dwell on our past. 
I think about how blue Bobs eyes are and how they used to smile. They are still blue but now they seem devoid of any pleasant emotion.
I think about Bobs love of the outdoors and the many trips we made to the mountains hiking and the lakes fishing. Now Bob prefers the solitude of our home to outside activities.
I think of the vows we took  “for better of worse” and I know I will care for and love him forever. 
I think of all the time lost on senseless petty arguments and I wish we could go back and do some things over again.
I think of family that wish they could have just a few more moments with Bob while he had a healthy mind.
I think my heart is breaking tonight.....

More Changes

Different times of the day can make such a difference with a Dementia Patient. Bob  now struggles horribly for the first hour after he wakes.  Then he kind of levels out for 4 or 5 hours and then in the afternoon he begins to rapidly decline again. So much that he almost seems like a different person.  I hate that his body is starting to have difficulties. Last night when it was time to go to bed he couldnt walk. . He couldnt even do his "shuffle" that happens when he is tired. We had to carry him to bed.  I was very worried that when he woke in the middle of the night he may try to get up and fall, so I barely slept so I could listen for him. This morning although he was slow he was up and walking like normal. I have also noticed the myclonic jerks are becoming more and more frequent, which probably bother me more then Bob. He rarely seems to notice them. He often doesnt make a lot of sense when he talks anymore but if you are really patient and listen you can figure out what he wants to say. .So many changes in such a  short amount of time. I hate this disease.

Here Bob-Come here Bob

Confusion ensues.
Apparently the neighbor across the street and down one house has a new dog. And apparently the new dogs name is BOB.
 Bob keeps jumping the fence and running the neighborhood and the neighbor keeps going up and down the street Yelling for Bob at all hours of the night.
"Here Bob- Come here Bob..."
Needless to say--Its causing a heap of new problems for me and my Bob. Even with his hearing loss he can hear someone calling his name in the dead of night when all should be quiet.
 I've thought about talking to this particular neighbor but have decided against it. They are the kind of neighbor when you ask them something like " Can you please turn the music down after midnight" turn it up several decibels higher. They are the kind of neighbor that when the neighbor next to them complained that their Fire pit was right under their window and all the smoke was coming in their window and making their asthmatic daughter sick- threw wet wood on it to make it even worse.. Yep- they are that kind of neighbor.  

Simple Refuge

Silver Lake Washington

Bob's favorite time of day is no longer ..well ...day... It is the moment he goes to bed at night. He smiles and almost seems giddy as I help him get tucked into bed for the night. He seems happy. Content. Almost care free.
 I imagine it must be that he can lay there and just be. No expectations from anyone. No need to try and remember who is who. What is what. Just a blessed warm simple refuge from a very confusing world.
Peace........ :)

Wee hours of Mornin'

Every morning at around 4:30am, Bob gets up to use the bathroom. The bathroom is directly across the hall from Bob's bedroom and  I have motion lights set above his door that come on when he gets close so that he can see where he needs to go. Which has actually worked like a charm in the wee hours of the morning.
I often wake and can see in the hall that he is crossing from where I sleep. This morning I watched him cross, take care of his business and I saw the motion light come back on as he opened the bathroom door back up. I waited and waited but didnt see him cross back over to his room. I was about to get up to see if he was okay when I saw him crouched down low sneaking back to his room. He looked a little like a burglar sneaking around.  I dont know why I thought this was so funny at 4:30 am but I was laying there trying not to giggle out loud when I saw that.

I Sleep Here

The last few nights Bob has been restless in the hour or two before bed. He will get up from his chair and walk across the living room to the hallway- look in all directions- then turn around and announce to me as he is pointing at his bedroom, "I sleep here"
I will say " You sure do". He will do this over and over and over, about every 5 minutes.   On one hand-Its driving me bonkers-On the other- He is definitely getting some exercise in so I'll keep my lip zipped!

Cranky

I am trying to remember the last day Bob was not cranky. It seems his new normal is : cranky, mad, irritated or just done right ornery.
 I have asked if he is feeling okay, checked his body the best I can without creating a full blown war and made sure he wasn't feeling ill or hurting and that he is getting enough sleep.
 He is just cranky and he knows it..
Which is making it really hard for me to not slip on my cranky pants as well.. GGGRRRRR>
 I hate this disease.

Minty Fresh

Yesterday Bob walked out of the bathroom with water dripping off of his forehead. I saw that his hair was brushed so I didnt think to much of it.
 As always (after Bob has been in there), I went to check the bathroom to make sure  the water was off and clean up after him. There really was not the big of a mess----Until I opened the medicine cabinet.
 There his hair brush lay covered in toothpaste.
  I went out to Bob and looked closer. Sure enough he had toothpaste all through his hair. I said "Hon, did you put toothpaste in your hair"?
 Bob Said, " Of Course". Like it was the most natural thing in the world.  I must say he did smell minty fresh and his hair was perfectly combed.
:)

Sick and Tired

  Last night was a rough one. Bob got up numerous times after going to bed. By the time 2:30am  rolled around I had not been to sleep yet because Bob kept getting up. He would get up, put his shoes on and walk around. Of course I have these sensors alarms placed outside his bedroom door so I know when he is on the move.  I lost count sometime after 12 times of getting his shoes off and getting him back in bed, after making sure he didnt need the bathroom, or a drink, or if he felt okay. He kept telling me he was "fine".
When 3:00AM rolled around I was exhausted and I was out. I slept right through the sensor alarms when he got up and started moving around the house again. I woke up at 3:30 am with him shining his flashlight in my face and telling me he had been "sick".
I started to get up thinking I would need to "clean up" a mess. He said. I already took care of the mess. Now what should I do.
I said " Go Back to bed"and I (like an idiot) rolled over and went back to sleep. (Hey, I was really tired).
This morning I got up at 5:30 am to an ungodly mess in the bathroom.  It took me a good 45 minutes of cleaning and sanitizing to return the bathroom to its sparkling splendor.. Guess its a good thing I hadn't eaten breakfast because I had to gag my way through that whole 45 minutes. (sorry for that visual).  I am not cut out for "that" kind of clean up. It was a whole lot different when it was my children.. That was a Long time ago-- maybe I'm not remembering correctly.
Today-  Bob is "sick and tired".  Today Lori is sick and tired of this disease.
And Lori needs a face mask for future clean ups.

I Been absent

Whoops.. Been so busy the last few days that I haven't had time to think, let alone blog.
Arranging and filling out Patient forms for Bobs new neurologist and trying to get some of his Rx's changed. Some are making things worse- Not better.
Now I also need to see a doctor for High blood pressure and my heart is "skipping" beats.. Have to get that to get that under control. Stress and anxiety are taking their toll I suppose. One of us needs to be healthy-- so I guess I better get it taken care of.
It snowed for several days and we had a good new 12" of snow out there--- Now we have lake size puddles as the temps went way up and "the melt" is on. Now it is raining again and all of the snow is gone and I can once again see my tulips pushing through.. Yay!
Bob is struggling with sleep again.. The Clonazapam they gave him for night terrors and sleep did not help and in fact I am sure it made him worse. Lets hope the new stuff works-- I am pooped!

Dear Sleep-

Last night I was up with Bob 3 times. I have been struggling with keeping him up a bit later in hopes that he will be tired enough to sleep a little more when I am. Here lately he wants to go to bed at 5 PM and It is a nightly struggle to keep him up till at least 8Pm. I literally exhaust myself trying to keep him up, as he is VERY bent on getting in the bed..
 I would like it if he stayed up even later but usually by 8:00 I am so tired of battling him that I am ready for it to just be over.. So he goes to bed at 8:00..
Last night he got up at 12:00... I made sure everything was alright.. got him tucked back in after a bathroom visit etc.. Then he got up at 2am.. this time He had pulled some jeans over his PJ's   and I woke up to him rummaging in the closet. Got him undressed and back in bed.. He got up again at 4am.. and got the jeans on again, this time to visit the bathroom . I Got him back in bed.
 I got up at my usual 6am. I walked into the bedroom and some time between 4 am and 6am  he had taken all of the bedding off the bed--It was in a pile on the floor. He was dressed " kind of"  and laying on the bed with 6 pairs of his shoes around  him and he had his heavy winter carrhart coat on.
I said- "What the hell happened in here?"
He said-- "I was cold"
OY!
Dear Sleep,
 I'm sorry I hated you when I was little.
Sincerely,
Me

Buzz Saw

Bob had an appointment with his Neurologist yesterday. I think we may be able to squeeze in one more appointment before Doc's retirement starts in May. I am going to hate having to get Bob used to a new Doctor-but we do what we have to do.
So yesterday I broached the subject of sleep or lack of sleep. Bobs frequent night terrors, and combative sleep ( striking out) keep me awake even thou I am sleeping in another room and I know he does not get a restful nights sleep. Which may also explain some of his confusion on days after he has had a bad night.
So the doctor gave us a Prescription that is suppose to help Him sleep through the night and cut down on the night terrors etc.. On the flip side- The man slept like a rock last night- He snored so loud I could hear him everywhere in this house. It sounded like a Buzz saw left running- Hmmmm. New dilemma-- I want him to sleep- and I want him to get the best nights sleep he can- But that snoring? OY- Maybe I need earplugs- A friend told me that they make these pillows that are suppose to help with snoring. Imagine that- a Pillow that helps with snoring? I dont think that is going to help- Unless Of course I hold it over his face. -- I know, I know--Unacceptable--. :) I'm just kidding.  No need to send me emails. I just havent had enough coffee yet this morning. :)
I dont want to wear ear plugs because I need to be able to hear him if he needs me. I'll get this figured out- I'm just glad he got a good nights sleep.

Wake Up Call

I woke up this morning to Bob wandering the house this morning at 5:30AM. He was very confused and looking for "his" house.. He had no idea where he was.  He kept pointing at things like his recliner and saying things Like- I have one of those--but mine is newer- He didnt know which rooms were which-I opened the closet to show him his clothes he said those are girl clothes.. then he kept opening doors and I asked him what he was looking for and he said " the out".. I said "Do you need the bathroom? He said no-- I need to find my house and was trying to open the front door-- I shut off the security alarm and I took him outside so he could "look"-- it was snowing a little so I said--" lets look later its really cold out here.. How about we have some coffee..."

So I Made him some coffee, gave him his meds and his Breakfast-- he finished eating and was sitting there drinking his coffee and he  said- 

"Who are you married to?".  I said "You!!--- who are you married to?" He smirked and said "you-- it must have been a double.."

 Okkee Dokkeee then...

My wake up call was not so pleasant this morning- My heart has been in my throat all morning------------How much longer till he no longer knows who I am?

Night Terrors - Part 2

So- If you read my previous post you know Bob has been having problems with night terrors. He has always  talked in his sleep but never has gotten up and walked around.
A few nights ago he scared me-- NO-- I was terrifed. He went to bed at 7:30 and I was in the living room watching TV. About 8:30 I saw him peeking around the corner. I waved at him. He jumped out into the hall entrance and I immediately noticed that he was dressed in his street clothes again. I also noticed that he had his folding knife open and in his right hand. He started yelling at me- " You should have knocked-" I was so startled I just shouted back- " What-- why would I have to knock?" As I was pulling myself off the ceiling he walked back into the bedroom. I went in after him and said " what are you doing?- What are you talking about, Are you awake?" He said "yes".
I said were you when you were in the hallway? He said- "I dont know"- He got back in the bed- rolled over and went to sleep.. I grabbed the knife put it in the safe with the guns and went back to the living room with my heart pounding out of my chest.
I had  made him put all of the guns away quite awhile back as I wanted no chance of an "accident". Now I have to tell him his knives are going in there too- For the last two days I have been thinking thou-- there are knives and sharp objects all over this house. Potential weapons.
Last year I had alarms installed on the house. The doors are "armed" so I know when he comes and goes. Today I ordered another sensor alarm-- I will install it above the bedroom door in the hall-- I will know when he gets out of bed and comes out of the bedroom.  It has a Receiver that I can keep with me so I wont be notifying him -it will just be for me.. My piece of mind-- What little of it I have left.
I tried to have a conversation with him about what happened. It was like talking to a wall. Although he did say. " I would never hurt you".
I know Old Bob wouldnt-- I'm still not to sure about this New Bob just yet.
Taking precautions seems like the most reasonable next step-

Night Terrors- Part 1

I am feeling the need to address Night Terrors but I think I need to gather my thoughts and be a little more coherent before I do. Bob has been struggling with them which means I have been having many sleepless nights lately. I need to talk to his Neurologist and see what I can do to reduce the frequency or stop them all together.  Last night he scared me so I didnt sleep.  Well, I did a little,  but it was with my eyes open. Every single house sound had me popping upright. To be continued.......

Sweet Dreams

Many of the books and articles I have read about Dementia / Alzheimer's say that sleep patterns change and many patients are up during the night and sleep during the day etc..
Well so far Bob sleeps pretty well most nights. He does talk in his sleep and has an occasional Night Terror but here lately he has been getting 12 to 13 hours of sleep every night.  Tonight we had an early dinner and we had just settled in to watch the news on TV. It was 5:30, and Bob asked me if it was okay if he went to bed. I knew he was tired because we had a very full day and things were off of his normal routine.  I said  " Of course.. Are you are feeling okay or are you just tired?" He said-- "Just tired" so I helped him get ready for bed and away he went-  I sure wish I had an OFF button like his. I swear he lays down and he is out like a light.  Not sure what time he'll be up in the morning- I'm guessing pretty early. In the mean time- Its pretty quiet at the ol' homestead!  Not complaining mind you-- but I do miss having someone to chat with in the evenings. I talk to myself, but the scary part? I'm answering myself too-- LOL!

Shoe Blues

Every evening Bob gets his sweats on to relax for the evening. Here lately he has been putting his shoes back on once the sweats are on. Which is not a big deal-- But now he wants to wear the shoes to bed- Every night I have to force him to take his shoes off, and of course this makes him angry-- Sorry-- NOT wearing shoes in the bed.  Finally dawned on me-- he has a reason-- he has been hiding his pocket money in his shoe- Still-- Sorry-- NOT wearing shoes in the bed--
 OY-- I hate night battles almost as much as I hate this disease.

Laughter

Bob has always talked in his sleep, and I mean full conversations.  I spent many nights on the couch to get away from him so I could sleep.
He still talks in his sleep but the conversations make no sense. I am sure they must to him but it makes me wonder > Does he dream in Alzheimer's? Or does  his mind work like it did before his memories started slipping away.
Last night he was laughing. A very happy and hearty laugh. I layed there next to him smiling at the familiar sound that I used to hear everyday. Its nice to know that something in his dreams can still  make him "Laugh Out Loud" .