The Home

Bob has now been in Residential Home care for a few weeks.  He is actually doing better then I expected. He has settled right in. He had gotten to the stage where he was not recognizing any of us.. nor our house as home.. and quite often his own reflection.  I visit him 3 or 4 days a week.  He is eating well, Is happy, and very well taken care of.
The first few weeks were awful , but I'm guessing much more for me then Bob. When I visit I go in the early morning hours as I know that it is his best time. He laughs, giggles and tries to talk.  He is content and comfortable. The ladies at the home are awesome and think he is adorable. He is animated at that time and just reminds me of "old Bob".
  Life is going on.. Adjustments are tough but I'm guessing its more difficult for me then Bob.... I really really miss him.. , His Smile, His attitude, His  Presence..  I think about him 24 hours a day.  I really hate what this disease has done to us.. How it has consumed our life... But my love for Bob has not faltered in the least. I think it has grown stronger as I have become his voice.. Our Journey is different but it is still ours.  I'm guessing that Bob is probably better then I am at this point.. Because I know.. I know what I'm losing..

Mr Moose

The last month or so Bob seems to be having more and more trouble with his vision. Or maybe its my perception of his vision. I know Alzheimers affects the brains ability to recognize what is seen.
The Alzheimers is causing damage to his occipital and temporal lobes and these are the areas of the brain that send and receive messages to and from the eyes. Bob sees things, but  what his brain is interpreting them as, is totally out of wack with reality.  In an ongoing effort to keep his hands busy so he wont shred his clothing or pick at his skin I gave him a "stuffed" moose. Bob has a thing for moose!. For days he has been trying to wear the moose as a slipper or hat..
Which is kind of adorable and sad at the same time... Sigh....

Happy New Year

New years is my favorite day of the year. Its like being handed a fresh new tablet and a box of colored pencils. A chance to start fresh and fill the pages with new and beautiful ideas and plans and dreams.
 I am really struggling to even "like"  it this year. I know many changes are on the horizon  for Bob and I this year and neither of us have ever liked "change" that much.
Bob's rapid decent into the the dark world of Dementia has left me reeling and Bob in a permanent state of confusion.
I resolve to make his days a little happier if possible and try to dig a little deeper and find some added patience and humor.
A New year is a blank book,
My best wishes for you to convert it
To a beautiful story
Happy New Year to you all!

Is it Wrong?

Have I ever mentioned how hard it is to go grocery shopping with Bob these days. I usually try to go as early as possible to avoid crowds. Because- well Bob does not do well in crowds these days. Bob used to hate grocery shopping- now he wants to go.  :)
 Bob adds obscure things to the cart when I am not looking and he also will wander off. If someone comes down the aisle Bob will turn around and follow them. If I am caught up in looking for something or reading a label I can look up and he is no where in sight. I run to the end of the aisle and he will usually be heading down the next aisle over.
 The last trip it was raining pretty hard when we came out of the store so I quickly pushed the cart to the jeep and popped the hatch to put the groceries in. Bob was right behind me. And then he wasn't.. I looked up and he was nowhere to be seen. I quickly threw the groceries in the jeep and shoved the cart into the cart catcher and ran through the parking lot looking for him. I spotted him one parking strip over, trying to get in someone else's car. I  went and got him and  loaded him in the jeep. Crisis averted,..
  Till I got home and realized  that in my haste to find Bob I had left my purse in the shopping cart in the parking lot.  Argh.
Luckily someone had turned it into the customer service desk and I got it back..  Thank you kind sir whoever you were!
Is it wrong to handcuff a person to a shopping cart? Or maybe I should attach a bell to his coat..HMMM.
  :)

A Handful

 Today we had a few errands to run so I got Bob bundled up in coat , hat and gloves. Poor Bob- the gloves were very hard to understand. He thought he had to hold them on, so he either would keep his fists clenched very tight or he would try to hold the tops of them.
 When we got home I tried to give him a bag of groceries to carry into the house and he told me he would have to come back for it because he already had a handful. :)

Manliness

 I try to let Bob do as much as possible for himself. Today he was trying to open a Jar and after watching him struggle with it for a few minutes I could see his frustration setting in, I said "Do you want  me to help you with that? Sometimes they put the lids on stuff way too tight." He handed me the jar and I popped it open and as I handed it back I said. "Well, look at that. You must have loosened it for me". 
 I could visibly see his chest swell as he gained back his "manliness" from that one little statement. A reminder that just a simple gesture or statement can make him feel so good!

One for the Records

 This morning I had Bob help me move a few odds and ends out to the shop in the back yard. It was 16 degrees and with the wind blowing the wind chill was probably about 4 degrees.
 Bob said " This is probably one for the record books".
 I said "Whats that Hon?"
He said " I don't think Its ever been this cold in June before".
:)

Helping Hands

This last week the weather has been pretty nice. We are having a fairly dry fall and it is giving me a chance to get even more done around here before the snow flies.
Today we were out working in the backyard and Bob was "helping".   It was one of those 1 step forward- 2 steps backwards situations. I finally gave up and sat down on the deck.
Bob looked up and saw me and said- " I'm not doing this by myself.
 I said "Well then tell me- what exactly are you doing?"
Bob said- " I dont know- But I'm not doing it by myself."
:)

Shadows

Bob has found his shadow. Its a little like the man in the mirror that he talks to.  He waves at it. He does things a child would do.  He takes steps and giggles as his shadow does too.  He flaps his arms like a bird then soars like a plane.
The sun was shining bright when we went to the store a few days ago. The people in the parking lot received quite a show from "The Shadow".   :)

Listen to the Music

Bob plays the guitar-Or he used to. He is- or was- rather good.  When he was younger he and a few of his friends played at dances, bars and gatherings.    Now his  12 string guitar sits in the corner of the room basically ignored and gathering dust.
 Earlier this past summer he sat on the deck and manged to play pretty darn well.
 As summer progressed he couldnt seem to get the cords right and became pretty frustrated and insisted he needed  a "new" guitar as surely there must be something wrong with this one.
 Yesterday I heard the sweet sounds of his guitar while I was out working in the backyard.  He was playing without missing a cord again.
 When I came around the corner  he was sitting on the deck , watching people walk down the sidewalk and just absently playing.  " I said "That sounds awesome Hon".
Bob said " I know- I was a professional"  :)
Today of course he cant play again-- the frustration overwhelmed him and he stood the guitar back in the corner. It was nice to listen the the music again for a few hours yesterday. Maybe we will again one day soon -- if Alzheimer's doesn't steal it away permanently.

Deadlines

  Fall is my very favorite season of the year.
 I love crisp air, the smell of fireplaces burning, sweaters, jeans, boots, The colors of the trees, cocoa, crock pot dinners and baking.
 But this year I am having a hard time enjoying all the things I love so much. I always had Bob to help me get the house winterized and prepare the vehicles for winter etc.. You know-- the "man" chores.
  Between trying to keep up with orders and work- Its not leaving me much time to enjoy all things fall like I normally do. Bob is completely unable to do all of the things he used to, to help me get the winterizing done. I'm working on it and am doing the things I can and leaving the rest for Brian (son).  We'll get it done but I feel like I am on a deadline- ( Have I ever mentioned I hate deadlines) LOL.  Last night by dark you could most definitely see your breath in the cool crisp air and this morning there was a touch of frost on the grass..  Yep-- I still Love Fall! Putting all my grumbling aside.

A strange beast

The Alzheimer's mind is a strange beast. One minute it is "okay" and the next it is scrambled and jumbled.
 This morning Bob was doing pretty good and even got out some of his leather work and was messing around with it. I could see he was struggling but he knew what it all was, and which tool did what.
 After an hour or two he got up to go to the bathroom and then the kitchen to have a snack. When he came back to his desk he  wanted to know-
 " Who left all this smelly crap on my desk and why..."
Yes-- the Alzehimer's mind is a strange beast indeed.

An Awesome Day!

 I am very thankful that Bob can still get around as well as he does. He may be a little slower but if we stick to trails and old logging roads he can still enjoy a good day of getting out and hiking.
 We have always enjoyed grabbing our cameras and heading to the mountains. Today was an awesome day!

The Walk

When Our first Grandson was born Bob doted on him. He was his little buddy. He would pick him up as infant and walk down the sidewalk to the end of the block talking to him and "showing" him different things. Me- the always worrying Gramma would say-- "dont you take him to far"
  As Carrson learned to walk he would wrap his little fingers around Bobs and they would take their walk that way. Bob hunched over holding onto Carrson's  little fingers and giving him balance.
 Bob would pick him up so that Carr could reach leaves in the giant Maple tree down the block. They would count fence posts and admire a few cars and trucks.
 As Carr got a little older Bob would walk ,while Carr rode his tricycle. They never failed to take their "walks".
 The tables have turned . Carrson is now 6 1/2 years old and he is the one taking Grandpa for the walk.  As they left I said. "Dont take him to far"......Young Carr said.." I wont Gramma.."

Challenged

Today, as usual, I was carrying on a one sided conversation. Yammering on about all the things I needed to get done before it snows.
  Every now and then Bob would nod, but as usual didnt offer much of a verbal response.
  I was on the side of the house talking about winterizing, more to myself then Bob, and I said,  I think I will have to Mow a few more times so I will leave the Mower out but I need to get the some of this other stuff put away...
  Bob said... "Thats a stupid move"
I said "What?"
He said " The ground is about to thaw out- you will need that"..
Bob is a little seasonally challenged right now..

How Much Wood Could A......

This morning I got Bob fed and dressed and we headed out to the backside of the property. Bob had been hoarding wood back there.  Brian (son2) and I have been spending hours cleaning up the scrap metal and junk Bob accumulated.
I told Bob we are moving this wood into one BIG pile so it is easier to get out of here the day we haul it away. I would take arm loads of wood to the wood pile and Bob would grab a piece or two also. I would come back for another arm load and here would Come Bob, carrying the wood back to me that I had just left at the new pile.
 After about 3 times of explaining and another 5 arm loads coming back at me I told Bob. I think you should probably just sit on the deck and supervise I'm not making very much progress..
To which he replied.. You really arn't--If you worked for me I would fire you.
  Well Gee.. At least I got him to talk. :)

Out of Sight

Have you ever felt like you might be losing it? This morning after Bob finished his breakfast he carried his dishes into the kitchen. I didnt think to much of it as I was busy answering a customers email. A little while later I went in to do the morning dishes  and they were no where to be seen. I looked everywhere. Trust me its not like Bob to wash a dish. In all the years we have been together he has NEVER washed a dish.
  I started second guessing myself and thinking  maybe I had done them and not remembered as I had a lot going on this morning...
  Nope.. Opened the fridge to put away the coffee creamer.. and there all the dirty dishes were.. tucked in different spots in the refrigerator...
Out of sight- Out of Mind-- Right?

Troublemaker

Frustration- It seems to be my new normal.
Troublemaker- Seems to be Bobs new normal.

 It seems that Bob has it together enough to realize that when I am really busy with something else I am not  "on guard duty" as well as I should be. As many safeguards as I have put up around this property Bob seems to always find something new to get into.
Bob was a Tactical Shooter and reloaded his own ammo for many years. I have his guns Locked away in a  safe but didnt even think about the "supplies". My Bad.... My BIG bad...
 Today while I was busy cleaning the aquarium Bob went into the back yard where we have been doing some major landscaping and cleanup. His Leather workshop is out there and is where we have been storing much of the reloading equipment as well. As I was carrying the Saltwater to my Aquarium I noticed Bob walking around  the back yard with a gunpowder canister. I dropped what I was doing and went to ask him what he was doing.
"Cleaning up" was his reply. I asked him to please leave that until I could help and he came back in the house with me. A little later Brian came home from work and went back to work on the yard and found that Bob had emptied the canister of gunpowder on the ground..... Next to the firepit..... OY.
Of course I felt the need to tell Bob he couldnt do that.. and of course Bob was instantly angry. He tried to tell me that "gunpowder" is harmless unless it is in a "bullet".
Its hard for me to fathom that he has lost so much of his common sense and judgement.
I need to keep a MUCH closer eye on him then I was thinking. Sigh....

Flu Shot

Today I took Bob to get our yearly Flu shot. I told him what and where we were going before we left, while we were on the way several times and then several more times while we were in the waiting room.
 The Dr came in to give the shot and Bob went first. I was watching his face and all of a sudden as the shot was given his eyes popped open wide and he dropped his mouth open. He didn't make a sound.
 The Dr put  a bandage on Bobs arm and pulled his sleeve down.  We changed places and as I was hopping up on the table Bob whispered at me. " "That Bastard is gonna stick you". I Shushed him and got my shot. As we were walking across the parking lot to the Jeep Bob looked at me and said. You should really warn me when you are taking me for those.  :)

Tunnel Vision

Wow- Have a really not been here for over a week? Sheesh.
I have been so busy. I'm trying to get as much of the Cleanup around here done while the weather allows.  The last week I have been working in the yard. Tearing down Old fences, Hauling away junk, moving dirt etc.. Of course in there with all of that we have had Dr's Appointments, Work, and other "life" issues to deal with.
 Bob is going through another spurt of small seizures which really brings everything to a stand still. I feel like I'm taking one step forward , two steps back all the time here lately.  Maybe--just maybe-- I'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel before the snow flies.