Mr Moose

The last month or so Bob seems to be having more and more trouble with his vision. Or maybe its my perception of his vision. I know Alzheimers affects the brains ability to recognize what is seen.
The Alzheimers is causing damage to his occipital and temporal lobes and these are the areas of the brain that send and receive messages to and from the eyes. Bob sees things, but  what his brain is interpreting them as, is totally out of wack with reality.  In an ongoing effort to keep his hands busy so he wont shred his clothing or pick at his skin I gave him a "stuffed" moose. Bob has a thing for moose!. For days he has been trying to wear the moose as a slipper or hat..
Which is kind of adorable and sad at the same time... Sigh....

Sundowning

Bob is struggling more then ever with "Sundowning". His agitation and confusion are so bad from about 4:00 Pm until he goes to bed that I am struggling to care for him. The hallucinations although not as frequent, seem to be very intense. He wants something- but does not know what. He stands in the middle of the living room looking lost and confused.  He often does not think he  is home and becomes very upset if I dont take him to find his house. For a few weeks I could take him for a walk around the neighborhood but that does not work anymore.. Now I have to Put him in the jeep.. drive around for about 20 minutes ..then pull up to the house and say--"well here we are-- home at last.."
Sometimes it works.. Sometimes we have to do this 4 or 5 times a night...
I am feeling a bit tired and rundown.  Thank goodness gas is cheaper..

Guilt

The last week has been one of pure frustration and angst.  I think I told you that about a month ago the neurologist told me I needed to get Bob on a waiting list for a nursing home. That the wait can be rather long and at his rate of decline I really really needed to do my research and find a place.
 Well, Of course I had that attitude of. "I am handling this okay for now.." And then Boom-- Out of the blue things started really changing or maybe I should say Bob started changing...rapidly..
 The incontinence, the hallucinations, the confusion.. I am not really sure I would say it is incontinence. I do have depends on him  " just n case". But so far our issue is not wet pants.. but wet everything else. You cannot leave Bob alone for even one nano second..the minute I do he is urinating somewhere.. even after just going.. The clothes hamper, the closet, just the floor.. he even tried to do it in the aisle at a store. And when I tried to stop him he started screaming that I was "stealing" him and yelling for help. People were staring as if I was conducting my own personal geriatric  kidnapping.
My first thoughts were- Possible bladder infection so I took him to the doctor. Nope-- all clear..
A few days ago I had to run to the basement for a load of laundry and before I went down the stairs,  I said.. Do you need to go to the bathroom?... NO-- I'm good. Come on lets try real quick... NO_- I DONT have to go.. I ran down grabbed the clothes and ran back up just in time to see Bob standing in the hallway and peeing in towards the bathroom. Not even trying to use the toilet once again- just shooting urine into the bathroom from the hallway...
 For the 20th time in just a few days time, I got him washed and settled back in a chair and went to the bathroom with cleansers, mop and rags... I sat there on the bathroom / hallway floor scrubbing walls, floors, cupboards etc and bawling my eyes out.
 Last nights Hallucinations had Bob thinking there was someone across the room that wanted to hurt him and in his words " is staring at me through that hole"... He also has had an episode where he couldnt walk nor hold his head up very well.
So Yes. I did finally visit 6 Nursing homes.. I made the best educated decision I could from what I saw and learned at each place. I put him on a waiting list.. I received the mounds of paperwork and have been filling them out and getting all of the required documents copied  so I can get it all sent in.
I thought I would feel some sense of relief in having this step done.. But I dont. I feel this horrendous sense of guilt. I know Bob will be on this waiting list for months yet. And By the time they do call me to tell me his room is ready he will no doubt be even worse..But I still feel guilty.. And I am still bawling my eyes out. Did I say I felt guilty? I hate this disease...............

Ghosts

  A few times a week Bob hallucinates, sees and  talks to people that are not in the room.  This weekend when Carr ( 6 year old grandson) was here-- he was backing Bob up and agreeing . He Said "yes-- grandpa I see the people too.. they are saying they want cookies"
  Grandpa Bob was pretty happy that someone else confirmed his suspicions ( even if it was a 6 year old with cookies on the brain) and also that they got cookies out of the deal.
Maybe we have ghosts..and only those two can see them?