Assessment

Sorry for the lengthy silence. I have been struggling with decisions that need to be made and my own personal demons about them.
Bobs decline and current behaviors are ever changing but the last few weeks it has been almost shocking to see the changes. Not being able to communicate anything but the jumbled word salad (as I call it)  has made things even more difficult.
He had his home health assessment this past week and I am waiting for the finalized report to give to prospective Residential Care Homes.  Bob did not do well on the testing and of course he really hasnt done well on it in a very long time.
After evaluating Bob and testing him they said there were several options available at this time but they highly recommended the Residential Care. Assisted living was decided against because he eats things he shouldnt and also of his toileting problem. They thought it would not be in his best interest to be unsupervised for any length of time. Home care was also an option but the Social Service worker thought the house was much to small for this to be a convenient option. Their theory was that Bob would still be trying to rely on me for help and refuse others if he could see me. Which I know is probably true.
That leaves the residential care home or Nursing Home.. The thought is to start with the least restrictive care of the Residential and then the nursing home if they have a problem with his combative nature.
All of these decisions have left me with a knot in my stomach and a very heavy heart.

I cant imagine

Just when I think I cannot possibly be any more tired.. I am.
I am tired of struggling and watching Bob struggle. He is fighting hard to maintain his sense of self but quite often has been forgetting his own name. I am trying to say his name every single time I talk to him in an effort to help him remember. Its not working.....I cant imagine how terrifying that must be in his head.

Mr Moose

The last month or so Bob seems to be having more and more trouble with his vision. Or maybe its my perception of his vision. I know Alzheimers affects the brains ability to recognize what is seen.
The Alzheimers is causing damage to his occipital and temporal lobes and these are the areas of the brain that send and receive messages to and from the eyes. Bob sees things, but  what his brain is interpreting them as, is totally out of wack with reality.  In an ongoing effort to keep his hands busy so he wont shred his clothing or pick at his skin I gave him a "stuffed" moose. Bob has a thing for moose!. For days he has been trying to wear the moose as a slipper or hat..
Which is kind of adorable and sad at the same time... Sigh....

Piddle Schmiddle

I just want to address a problem issue a little bit.. Its not really incontinence issue as much as a
where we should go issue.
Bob no longer uses the bathroom by himself and you really need to be with him constantly to prevent him from going where ever he feels like it.
Floors, Closets, shoes, drawers, clothes hampers, garbage cans etc have all seen there fair share of pee around here. I have tried taking him to the bathroom every hour and sometimes even more. I have tried putting him in a Onesie, which he just tore at till the snaps popped off. My next step is the jumpsuits that zip in the back.
Every  single time I walk Bob to the bathroom to get him where he should be to do his business.. tell him what, where, how... He looks at the toilet and says "there?" and looks disgusted... I am not sure exactly what Bob thinks the toilet is theses days.. but he sure doesnt recognise it for its intended purpose.
I am tired of cleaning urine... Ugh...
Those jumpsuits will not arrive soon enough.. I am going to try and sew one myself with a sweatshirt, and pants and a big long zipper. At least he wont be able to go without help which will give me a chance to guide him to the toilet and convince him that is where he should be going. Wish me luck.

Hearing Or?

Bobs speech has pretty much gone silent again. I guess I shouldnt say silent.  He will say three or four Jibberish words that make no sense. I try to decipher their meanings and as hard as I try most of the time I dont figure out what he is saying before he gets angry. Rather then deal with his anger I will quickly say.   "Thats Interesting", or maybe if it seemed like a question "I'll say I'm not sure". Something to let him know I heard him.  He also has been slapping the table next to him in some form of communication that I havent figured out yet.
 Bob has been 100% deaf in one ear for years and has lost 85% of the hearing in the other. They think.
They really are not sure if he is responding correctly to the hearing tests right, so it is making it impossible to get a proper adjustment on his hearing aid.
Not that he will wear the darn thing anyway.. He hates it.
It is very hard for them to figure out if he is not responding because he cant actually hear them or if its the Dementia. There have been many times I have been right in Bobs face (speaking in a voice loud enough for the people at the end of the street to hear me) and he still looks at me as If I havent said a word.
I'm guessing a combination of the two...

Happy New Year

New years is my favorite day of the year. Its like being handed a fresh new tablet and a box of colored pencils. A chance to start fresh and fill the pages with new and beautiful ideas and plans and dreams.
 I am really struggling to even "like"  it this year. I know many changes are on the horizon  for Bob and I this year and neither of us have ever liked "change" that much.
Bob's rapid decent into the the dark world of Dementia has left me reeling and Bob in a permanent state of confusion.
I resolve to make his days a little happier if possible and try to dig a little deeper and find some added patience and humor.
A New year is a blank book,
My best wishes for you to convert it
To a beautiful story
Happy New Year to you all!

Conversation

Today as I was trying to get a few things done for tomorrows Christmas dinner I was carrying on a One sided conversation with Bob. I would say something. Bob would say something obscure back that had nothing to do with what I said. I would say something else and Bob would say what I call Jibble jabble...words that are made up or are nonsensical.
 He was "conversating" in his own way but not really communicating. He was happy thou and would often let out a Laugh or chuckle.
 It has been a really long time since we have had a meaningful conversation and its one of the things I miss the most. But It was nice to have a morning where he tried to participate in his own way and was happy doing it.
 I think he may finally be recovering from his Cold which makes for a Huge improvement in attitude and confusion. At least in the early hours of the day.
  As late afternoon and evening set in I know it will be back to Mass confusion and him not knowing our Home or me.
I'll take what I can.......

Sick

Bob is sick with a Cold. Bob does not do "sick" very well. He never has..The level of confusion is so much higher right now that It is taking ever minute of what is left my attention span and energy to care for him.. UGH... The one time I wish he would take a Nap and he wont......
Excuse the brief Posts for a bit until I can get him back to feeling better...

Guilt

The last week has been one of pure frustration and angst.  I think I told you that about a month ago the neurologist told me I needed to get Bob on a waiting list for a nursing home. That the wait can be rather long and at his rate of decline I really really needed to do my research and find a place.
 Well, Of course I had that attitude of. "I am handling this okay for now.." And then Boom-- Out of the blue things started really changing or maybe I should say Bob started changing...rapidly..
 The incontinence, the hallucinations, the confusion.. I am not really sure I would say it is incontinence. I do have depends on him  " just n case". But so far our issue is not wet pants.. but wet everything else. You cannot leave Bob alone for even one nano second..the minute I do he is urinating somewhere.. even after just going.. The clothes hamper, the closet, just the floor.. he even tried to do it in the aisle at a store. And when I tried to stop him he started screaming that I was "stealing" him and yelling for help. People were staring as if I was conducting my own personal geriatric  kidnapping.
My first thoughts were- Possible bladder infection so I took him to the doctor. Nope-- all clear..
A few days ago I had to run to the basement for a load of laundry and before I went down the stairs,  I said.. Do you need to go to the bathroom?... NO-- I'm good. Come on lets try real quick... NO_- I DONT have to go.. I ran down grabbed the clothes and ran back up just in time to see Bob standing in the hallway and peeing in towards the bathroom. Not even trying to use the toilet once again- just shooting urine into the bathroom from the hallway...
 For the 20th time in just a few days time, I got him washed and settled back in a chair and went to the bathroom with cleansers, mop and rags... I sat there on the bathroom / hallway floor scrubbing walls, floors, cupboards etc and bawling my eyes out.
 Last nights Hallucinations had Bob thinking there was someone across the room that wanted to hurt him and in his words " is staring at me through that hole"... He also has had an episode where he couldnt walk nor hold his head up very well.
So Yes. I did finally visit 6 Nursing homes.. I made the best educated decision I could from what I saw and learned at each place. I put him on a waiting list.. I received the mounds of paperwork and have been filling them out and getting all of the required documents copied  so I can get it all sent in.
I thought I would feel some sense of relief in having this step done.. But I dont. I feel this horrendous sense of guilt. I know Bob will be on this waiting list for months yet. And By the time they do call me to tell me his room is ready he will no doubt be even worse..But I still feel guilty.. And I am still bawling my eyes out. Did I say I felt guilty? I hate this disease...............

Here Bob-Come here Bob

Confusion ensues.
Apparently the neighbor across the street and down one house has a new dog. And apparently the new dogs name is BOB.
 Bob keeps jumping the fence and running the neighborhood and the neighbor keeps going up and down the street Yelling for Bob at all hours of the night.
"Here Bob- Come here Bob..."
Needless to say--Its causing a heap of new problems for me and my Bob. Even with his hearing loss he can hear someone calling his name in the dead of night when all should be quiet.
 I've thought about talking to this particular neighbor but have decided against it. They are the kind of neighbor when you ask them something like " Can you please turn the music down after midnight" turn it up several decibels higher. They are the kind of neighbor that when the neighbor next to them complained that their Fire pit was right under their window and all the smoke was coming in their window and making their asthmatic daughter sick- threw wet wood on it to make it even worse.. Yep- they are that kind of neighbor.