Hospice

It has been a very long month. Bob was put on Hospice this past week. He is losing weight rapidly even thou he is eating fairly consistently.  Food does just not want to "stick to his ribs" these days.  He is a shadow of his former self. The nurses can lift and carry Him like a child.
He hasnt spoken much at all the past month. He cannot hold his head up so spends much of his time in bed. I feel so lost watching him go through this.
I visit him almost daily now and sometimes twice if he was asleep during the early visit. I often wonder if he even realizes I am there. We watch TV and I carry on a conversation as if he was answering my chatter. I miss him so much.
We carry on in this ugly Alzheimers world. I hate this diesease.

Happy Valentines Day

To all of you reading - I wish you a happy Valentines day..Or if you are "single" a Happy Single Awareness Day.
It will go unnoticed here- Just as our anniversary did a few days ago. Not that I didnt make a little bit of effort to tell Bob Happy Anniversary..
When he got up I said, "Happy Anniversary Bob".. and he said... "No-- thats okay"... I'm not sure what he thought I said.. But that was my attempt.. :) and my failure.. sometimes it's better to just ignore the occasions that pop up.. for my own sake..

I cant imagine

Just when I think I cannot possibly be any more tired.. I am.
I am tired of struggling and watching Bob struggle. He is fighting hard to maintain his sense of self but quite often has been forgetting his own name. I am trying to say his name every single time I talk to him in an effort to help him remember. Its not working.....I cant imagine how terrifying that must be in his head.

Visitor

Today one of Bob's old hunting buddies Chad stopped by for a visit.  Someone that he spent a lot of time with over the last 15 years or so. Hunting, target practice, fishing, sports etc...
 Although Bob was curious, he really had no idea who Chad was.  Bless Chad's heart for the visit. He is one of the few of Bobs friends that has stopped by occasionally since his diagnosis. Chad talked to him about general everyday things without trying to pressure Bob to remember him. I could tell he was disappointed that he didn't.
 Bob couldn't really talk and the few things he did mange to blurt out made no sense and I could tell that Chad was shocked to see the huge decline since his last visit. I felt bad for him.
He visited for about 30 minutes, got caught up on news of his kids, wife, work etc.. Chad said his goodbyes with a promise to visit again soon.
After about 5 minutes Bob blurted out. " Did he fix it?"
I said " What? Fix what?" He said the  " The rock"
Not knowing what to say  I said " Not this time, maybe when he comes back"
Bob simply stared out the window with a little nod.

Piddle Schmiddle

I just want to address a problem issue a little bit.. Its not really incontinence issue as much as a
where we should go issue.
Bob no longer uses the bathroom by himself and you really need to be with him constantly to prevent him from going where ever he feels like it.
Floors, Closets, shoes, drawers, clothes hampers, garbage cans etc have all seen there fair share of pee around here. I have tried taking him to the bathroom every hour and sometimes even more. I have tried putting him in a Onesie, which he just tore at till the snaps popped off. My next step is the jumpsuits that zip in the back.
Every  single time I walk Bob to the bathroom to get him where he should be to do his business.. tell him what, where, how... He looks at the toilet and says "there?" and looks disgusted... I am not sure exactly what Bob thinks the toilet is theses days.. but he sure doesnt recognise it for its intended purpose.
I am tired of cleaning urine... Ugh...
Those jumpsuits will not arrive soon enough.. I am going to try and sew one myself with a sweatshirt, and pants and a big long zipper. At least he wont be able to go without help which will give me a chance to guide him to the toilet and convince him that is where he should be going. Wish me luck.

Hearing Or?

Bobs speech has pretty much gone silent again. I guess I shouldnt say silent.  He will say three or four Jibberish words that make no sense. I try to decipher their meanings and as hard as I try most of the time I dont figure out what he is saying before he gets angry. Rather then deal with his anger I will quickly say.   "Thats Interesting", or maybe if it seemed like a question "I'll say I'm not sure". Something to let him know I heard him.  He also has been slapping the table next to him in some form of communication that I havent figured out yet.
 Bob has been 100% deaf in one ear for years and has lost 85% of the hearing in the other. They think.
They really are not sure if he is responding correctly to the hearing tests right, so it is making it impossible to get a proper adjustment on his hearing aid.
Not that he will wear the darn thing anyway.. He hates it.
It is very hard for them to figure out if he is not responding because he cant actually hear them or if its the Dementia. There have been many times I have been right in Bobs face (speaking in a voice loud enough for the people at the end of the street to hear me) and he still looks at me as If I havent said a word.
I'm guessing a combination of the two...

Conversation

Today as I was trying to get a few things done for tomorrows Christmas dinner I was carrying on a One sided conversation with Bob. I would say something. Bob would say something obscure back that had nothing to do with what I said. I would say something else and Bob would say what I call Jibble jabble...words that are made up or are nonsensical.
 He was "conversating" in his own way but not really communicating. He was happy thou and would often let out a Laugh or chuckle.
 It has been a really long time since we have had a meaningful conversation and its one of the things I miss the most. But It was nice to have a morning where he tried to participate in his own way and was happy doing it.
 I think he may finally be recovering from his Cold which makes for a Huge improvement in attitude and confusion. At least in the early hours of the day.
  As late afternoon and evening set in I know it will be back to Mass confusion and him not knowing our Home or me.
I'll take what I can.......

Goats and Coats

Bob told me that he wanted to know what happened to his  brown coat.. at least thats what I thought he said.. turns out he said "goat" and he was more then a little upset when I told him I had tossed it out when I couldnt get it clean.
  Bob has never had a goat.  But Bob insists he did and that it really liked to eat paper.

The Party

This morning after I had Bob showered and dressed and ready for his day I decided he was doing well enough to take him to the Pharmacy with me to get his Rx's. In all honesty  I have really been avoiding taking him "shopping" because he just gets so confused and disoriented and lately "incontinence" has been a major issue.
 Sometimes I hate waiting until my son can get here to watch him in late afternoons,  because by then it is really busy there and it takes forever. So, we bundled up in our winter gear and went!
  As we were standing in line Bob was being very friendly, Laughing, carrying on, talking but not really making much sense with several others that were waiting in line. Some people were amused by his antics, some gave him , well....Lots of space.
 We finally got to the window and got our Rx's and left the store.. As we did Bob said ..  I'm glad they made it to the party...
Maybe it was all the Christmas decorations? LOL  I am glad he enjoyed " The Party"

Communication

Bob is really struggling with speech again. I try to keep questions short and to the point. One question or phrase at a time. Bob either wont answer or he answers in his head without actually speaking the words.
 Today I asked him a question and was waiting for a response. Nothing. I repeated it a few more times. Still no response. I asked him yet again and said.. Are you understanding me?
 He said "Yes- MY answer is still the same"

I married my Best Friend

Today I was cleaning out a cedar chest where I have been storing all kind of odds and ends.  Blankets, gifts,  baby clothes from my now adult sons, My Memories and...clothes that  dont fit me anymore.. Or do they?  I found several pair of Levi 501's and was trying them on...  I HAVE lost 25 Lbs after all....
 Bob said.. " I think those DONT fit you".
I said.. "If I lay like this-- wiggle like this- I will get them buttoned."
Bob said.. " I dont think that will work.They probably aren't yours."
Oy.. way to stroke my ego babe...
Yep-- spoken just like a best friend...

Behaviors

 I think my patience has  worn so thin that I am at my wits end.
 Behaviors that I used to be able to just "let go" I am now finding intolerable. Of course it might be because Bob's behaviors have changed pretty drastically the last month or so.
 I seem to be what (or who) he has to take out all of his anger on. He can be raging angry at me but if he sees the mailman can step outside and be as nice as Aunt Bea..step back in and continue his rampage like he never missed a beat. I guess that I am the one who constantly is telling him no-- or "you cant do that"  or you need to shower, or change your clothes etc..so of course his anger is going to be directed at me. He has Punched me in the eye thinking I was a stranger in the house. He has threatened  me a with a knife twice for the same reason.  He has bit me because I was trying to look at a "bad tooth" in his mouth. Now he has started spitting.  Its really hard to deal with a full grown man who has a fairly healthy body  when they start acting out like he is. He wont communicate with words what is making him angry.
 This morning he was sitting in his chair I dont know what he was thinking about sitting there but whatever it was it made him angry. He angrily pushed himself up so hard he almost knocked his chair over. He stormed off to the bathroom, slammed a few things around and then came out and asked for an apple. I got him an apple and then went in to use the bathroom.. Once again... spit all over the mirror. He apparently stood in  there and spit on the mirror several times.
 I came out of the bathroom looked him square in the eye and asked him why he spit all over the mirror.. Of course he just rolled his eyes at me. I told him.. You have quite the mess to clean up in there and I went and sat back down.
Of course he didnt, so I had to... Yep-- My patience is a little thin right now.

What's in a Name?

It was a strange evening here tonight. After dinner we had settled in to watch TV  and Bob looked at me and said " Are you going to "dump" me.
 I said "Why on earth would you think that or ask me that?".
He said " I have been trying to remember your name... I can't".
Its strange- He has not been able to remember my name on and off for quite awhile now so I'm not sure why it was bothering him.  Apparently he had been trying for several days. When I told him what my name was he said- " I would never have guessed that"
 I told him him.." Hon-- If you don't remember something- Please just ask-- Trust me-- Its not worth stressing out and worrying about it."
 Subtle changes--- that are starting to seem not so subtle.

Envious

Its been so long since things were "normal" that I think I have forgotten what it is like. Today I watched a couple walking hand in hand down the sidewalk, laughing, chatting and really enjoying each others company. Another thing Alzheimer's has robbed us of. I really miss heartfelt conversation with Bob.. Hell-- I now miss meaningless conversation too....
I was envious.. and then I was in tears......
I hate this disease.

Feeling Blue

The last few days I have been feeling pretty blue.  Bobs level of confusion and memory loss seems to have taken such a huge decline. Before --after a few days of really bad times like this he would kind of "snap out of it". This time it seems it is to be a permanent decline.
 And this time it just seems really bad. He has to be guided step by step do do anything. If you take him in to get his PJ's on.. he will just stand there after they are on. I normally shut the light off and he follows me out to the Living room for another hour of TV. Now he will stand there in the dark room. I have to grab him by the hand and guide him back to his chair.
 He goes in circles looking for the kitchen or bathroom. walking right past them in his search.   Our house is tiny.. how does one get lost in a tiny house?  Yesterday he handed me his watch-- The watch he absolutely loves and said,  "Here I found this, wonder who lost it". He takes his wallet out of his pocket and turns it over and over in his hands and then will say " I have one just like this". He will walk past his favorite chair and tell me " I have one of those-- but mine is newer"
 Yesterday he wanted to show me his "leather" work and acted like it was the first time I would ever be seeing it. He doesn't remember that I used to tool it, sew it  and dye it right along side him.
 So many things that he is doing and saying that let me know he is rapidly slipping away from me. .
I guess I should be happy he has found a little of his voice once again-- But its not really Bob..and I know it.
Yes I am feeling quite blue....
Photo: Off our front deck. Stormy skies.

One Day

I long for a "normal" day. One day, without  the Dementia that we have had to build our lives around. One day,  free of worry, loneliness, and stress. Just one stinkin day...Please...One day.

Why Yes!

Bob speaks so little anymore I have started speaking for him...

   I will ask him if needs something to drink.. he will just sit there.. so I will say." Why yes dear- that would be lovely". Or if I ask him if he would like to go outside with me and he doesnt answer, I will say. "Why Yes dear-- I would love to partake of the fresh air with you"

So tonight after he ate I asked- Did you get enough to eat?-- as always-- no answer...

So I said. "Why yes my Love-- And might I add-Your culinary abilities are only surpassed by your beauty.

He sat there looking at me for about 5 minutes... Then he said- " I would never say anything like that"..

Aww-- He does speak! :)

Challenged

Today, as usual, I was carrying on a one sided conversation. Yammering on about all the things I needed to get done before it snows.
  Every now and then Bob would nod, but as usual didnt offer much of a verbal response.
  I was on the side of the house talking about winterizing, more to myself then Bob, and I said,  I think I will have to Mow a few more times so I will leave the Mower out but I need to get the some of this other stuff put away...
  Bob said... "Thats a stupid move"
I said "What?"
He said " The ground is about to thaw out- you will need that"..
Bob is a little seasonally challenged right now..

How Much Wood Could A......

This morning I got Bob fed and dressed and we headed out to the backside of the property. Bob had been hoarding wood back there.  Brian (son2) and I have been spending hours cleaning up the scrap metal and junk Bob accumulated.
I told Bob we are moving this wood into one BIG pile so it is easier to get out of here the day we haul it away. I would take arm loads of wood to the wood pile and Bob would grab a piece or two also. I would come back for another arm load and here would Come Bob, carrying the wood back to me that I had just left at the new pile.
 After about 3 times of explaining and another 5 arm loads coming back at me I told Bob. I think you should probably just sit on the deck and supervise I'm not making very much progress..
To which he replied.. You really arn't--If you worked for me I would fire you.
  Well Gee.. At least I got him to talk. :)

Silence

I follow several Alzheimers/Dementia Blogs and I seem to always see the same "notes"  about the lack of conversation. As much as I know its a common thing amongst caregivers and  their loved ones its one of the things that drives me the craziest.
Bob no longer communicates, even when you  ask him too. If you push him he gets angry. I know he is hard of hearing which is part of the problem but the lack of conversation is almost ominous.  The silence is almost overwhelming.  I talk and talk, carry on two sided conversations and often wonder--- what is he thinking, why isnt he responding- when will I get through to him?
I'm guessing it will be for a moment.. one day- down the road.. when I least expect it..
I feel so alone.....And yet Bob seems content. I guess that's a good thing.
( I call this pic the "Elephant Rock"... ) Taken at Riverside state park. Spokane.