Guilt

The last week has been one of pure frustration and angst.  I think I told you that about a month ago the neurologist told me I needed to get Bob on a waiting list for a nursing home. That the wait can be rather long and at his rate of decline I really really needed to do my research and find a place.
 Well, Of course I had that attitude of. "I am handling this okay for now.." And then Boom-- Out of the blue things started really changing or maybe I should say Bob started changing...rapidly..
 The incontinence, the hallucinations, the confusion.. I am not really sure I would say it is incontinence. I do have depends on him  " just n case". But so far our issue is not wet pants.. but wet everything else. You cannot leave Bob alone for even one nano second..the minute I do he is urinating somewhere.. even after just going.. The clothes hamper, the closet, just the floor.. he even tried to do it in the aisle at a store. And when I tried to stop him he started screaming that I was "stealing" him and yelling for help. People were staring as if I was conducting my own personal geriatric  kidnapping.
My first thoughts were- Possible bladder infection so I took him to the doctor. Nope-- all clear..
A few days ago I had to run to the basement for a load of laundry and before I went down the stairs,  I said.. Do you need to go to the bathroom?... NO-- I'm good. Come on lets try real quick... NO_- I DONT have to go.. I ran down grabbed the clothes and ran back up just in time to see Bob standing in the hallway and peeing in towards the bathroom. Not even trying to use the toilet once again- just shooting urine into the bathroom from the hallway...
 For the 20th time in just a few days time, I got him washed and settled back in a chair and went to the bathroom with cleansers, mop and rags... I sat there on the bathroom / hallway floor scrubbing walls, floors, cupboards etc and bawling my eyes out.
 Last nights Hallucinations had Bob thinking there was someone across the room that wanted to hurt him and in his words " is staring at me through that hole"... He also has had an episode where he couldnt walk nor hold his head up very well.
So Yes. I did finally visit 6 Nursing homes.. I made the best educated decision I could from what I saw and learned at each place. I put him on a waiting list.. I received the mounds of paperwork and have been filling them out and getting all of the required documents copied  so I can get it all sent in.
I thought I would feel some sense of relief in having this step done.. But I dont. I feel this horrendous sense of guilt. I know Bob will be on this waiting list for months yet. And By the time they do call me to tell me his room is ready he will no doubt be even worse..But I still feel guilty.. And I am still bawling my eyes out. Did I say I felt guilty? I hate this disease...............