Refections of the Past

Sometimes its hard not to dwell on our past. 
I think about how blue Bobs eyes are and how they used to smile. They are still blue but now they seem devoid of any pleasant emotion.
I think about Bobs love of the outdoors and the many trips we made to the mountains hiking and the lakes fishing. Now Bob prefers the solitude of our home to outside activities.
I think of the vows we took  “for better of worse” and I know I will care for and love him forever. 
I think of all the time lost on senseless petty arguments and I wish we could go back and do some things over again.
I think of family that wish they could have just a few more moments with Bob while he had a healthy mind.
I think my heart is breaking tonight.....

It wasn't suppose to be like this

We all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is probably what often messes us up the most.  

 Bob and I often talked about what we would do after retiring. Originally this was going to be in about 7 years from now. We all know "things" have a way of changing the best layed plans & dreams.  I need to remember and accept  this.  I probably won’t always understand it and I guess that's OK. 

  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does.  And then just when you think it can’t get any better, it does.  Someday I hope to look back and be able to describe Bobs and My life together in just one sentence: “It didn’t go as planned, but that’s OK.”  In the mean time I'll do my best to make the "plans" happen that I am able to manage and learn to let the ones go that I can't. Tough thing to do.. Its hard to let go of some of those dreams.

Shattered Deams

Very early this morning I had a dream in which Bob had died, and I woke up in tears.  I laid there, staring at the ceiling, and thinking of how I was eventually going to have to learn to live without him for the rest of my life.  The dreams, the trips, the retirement  plans we had  talked about for years now just a blip of distant memory. I feel like I am being robbed of my future- Our Future.  Between the high cost of medical  and Bobs discomfort  in strange places, the plans & trips we spent so much time researching ...will never be made. I hate this disease.