Goodbye my Love!

Today I had to say goodbye to My Best Friend. My Husband, My everything.  I already miss you more then words can say. Thank you for making my life, our life, so awesome.  Thank you for loving me Honey.  You are so loved and you will forever be in my heart. 

Robert Joseph Culligan- Beloved Husband, Father, Brother, Grandfather, Uncle and Friend

Hospice

It has been a very long month. Bob was put on Hospice this past week. He is losing weight rapidly even thou he is eating fairly consistently.  Food does just not want to "stick to his ribs" these days.  He is a shadow of his former self. The nurses can lift and carry Him like a child.
He hasnt spoken much at all the past month. He cannot hold his head up so spends much of his time in bed. I feel so lost watching him go through this.
I visit him almost daily now and sometimes twice if he was asleep during the early visit. I often wonder if he even realizes I am there. We watch TV and I carry on a conversation as if he was answering my chatter. I miss him so much.
We carry on in this ugly Alzheimers world. I hate this diesease.

Its Different- But the same

I have not had Bob at home for 2 months this week.
The Residential Care Facility he is in is great. Actually beyond great. The ladies there care for him like a family member. He is well adored and loved by staff. I visit him 3 to 7 days  a week, depending on my work schedule..- He always seems happy and content, but I also see him dropping further into end stage. Not eating one day, but then eating large amounts the next.  Not recognizing me or family  but still able to smile or laugh when something strikes him as funny.
 I love him beyond words and try to make sure he is comfortable.. Our Journey goes on.. Our love as well....
I sure wish a cure or "something" that would keep Bob with me would happen.. Hoping, Wishing, Praying.....

The Home

Bob has now been in Residential Home care for a few weeks.  He is actually doing better then I expected. He has settled right in. He had gotten to the stage where he was not recognizing any of us.. nor our house as home.. and quite often his own reflection.  I visit him 3 or 4 days a week.  He is eating well, Is happy, and very well taken care of.
The first few weeks were awful , but I'm guessing much more for me then Bob. When I visit I go in the early morning hours as I know that it is his best time. He laughs, giggles and tries to talk.  He is content and comfortable. The ladies at the home are awesome and think he is adorable. He is animated at that time and just reminds me of "old Bob".
  Life is going on.. Adjustments are tough but I'm guessing its more difficult for me then Bob.... I really really miss him.. , His Smile, His attitude, His  Presence..  I think about him 24 hours a day.  I really hate what this disease has done to us.. How it has consumed our life... But my love for Bob has not faltered in the least. I think it has grown stronger as I have become his voice.. Our Journey is different but it is still ours.  I'm guessing that Bob is probably better then I am at this point.. Because I know.. I know what I'm losing..

Withdrawals

The last week has been one of the worst of my life.
Bob is now in a Residential Care home. As he is dropping into the end stage of this horrible disease I found I could no longer do this alone.  His needs are first and foremost and I am sure that the  care he is receiving now is better then what I could ever do alone. He is completely incontinent now, Needs someone to dress him, shower & groom. He also needs help walking  and often cant walk even with help. He no longer communicates or when he does mumble something you usually cant understand what he is trying to say.
The only bright thing in having to make this terrible decision is that Bob no longer is aware of his surroundings or recognizes us the majority of the time. He often does not even recognize his own reflection.
Driving away the day he was moved was the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried for hours and I have done that after every single visit. It is so hard to see someone you love so much, decline  like he is. It is heartbreaking and I feel this tremendous sense of guilt.
I am trying to keep busy but find my mind is often with Bob. Wondering how he is. Is he warm, is he eating, Is he sleeping etc.
When I visit he is clean, shaved and nicely groomed. The ladies at the home are taking very good care of him for which I am extremely grateful.
I miss him. I cant sleep. I am sad. I can't concentrate and I feel lost.
Pretty sure I have a case of Bob withdrawals.......

We are a Team

I often refer back to " The old days". when Bob was healthy of mind. We always had a good time no matter what we were doing. He supported my hobbies, I supported his.. And eventually they blended.  It was a "sweet" spot in our lives. 
I sure miss his support..his bellowing of " You got this"  or.. " People are going to LOVE that".. My rock of support is silent.. I am a forward marching team of one... Even Thou he no longer voices his Support.. I feel it in my heart.. My team leader..

As things Change

It makes me heart sick.. Not just a little twinge that goes away in an hour but a gut wrenching pain that lingers for days.  Bob used to have a saying.. What life throws at you can be caught in a glove.. Damn.. I need a bigger glove. 
My glove is full..But fast balls keep keeping coming in, as if being shot out of a machine.
The past week has been rough yet we still have found moments of laughter. I dont know how, but he still can bring a source of light and laughter when I am at my lowest.. I love him so much.. Little moments, One day at a time..