Anger

I have talked several times about Bobs anger.. but never my own. 
I try my best to keep mine in check until I am alone.  Boy, is it ever difficult not to succumb to anger. I have to imagine that Dementia is, in some ways, more difficult to deal with for caregivers than other illnesses can be, mostly because the person you're caring for, in many cases has no notion of who you are, your relationship, or what you're doing for them. They don't realize how hurtful they can be, or even acknowledge that you are being overwhelmed with sadness, grief, exhaustion etc.
 That being said, the anger is almost always overcome by feelings of guilt and then again the  love you feel for the person in your care.
I think the anger is merely an unpleasant by-product of the un-ending stress and caring you perform out of love. 
That also being said-- I am so angry tonight I think my head will explode.. GGGGRRRRR...
Lets hope for a reasonably sane day in the near future. I hate this disease.

Adult care

About 4 or 5 months ago I tried getting Bob signed up for an Adult Day Care a few hours a week.  They wouldnt take him because of the "anger and aggression" issues. Well they did once.. but called me before I was even back home to return and get him.
 With the help of the neurologist and a change in his Prescriptions we have a handle on the anger.
The last few weeks Bobs confusion has compounded and  I have really been struggling to even get the most basic of things done and  decided that I would go back to the day care.
Well-- the anger and aggression are gone I thought surely they would now accept him for a few hours a week..
Nope.. apparently not.. Because he wanders.. they are not a locked center so they do not accept Patients that may wander. Neither of the adult day cares in town do...

My frustration level is over the top..

Options?

It has been a week since I've posted. Not because I didn't have things to say or share but because I have been hashing over "our"options in my mind.  I was waiting until Bob could get into the neurologist to see if something could be done for his anger and aggression.
 After much testing today it has been decided that Bob is in "late" stage dementia. These stages are so hard for me to understand. One day a person is not the same as the next, but I do know that today even when I thought Bob was doing well, in reality he was just doing better then his average which is really not that well at all when I look at it through the neurologists eyes.
 Today they took him off of the Aricept and put him on Lexapro in an attempt to control his aggression and anger. If the Lexapro works he will be able to stay home for now..  I was also told to start researching Nursing homes and get him on the waiting lists. Did I mention "options" earlier? I know they are getting his anger and violence under control so that he wont be so belligerent when it comes time to be placed. As tired as I am of battling, and also and watching Bob battle this disease...I am just not ready to give up. I hate this disease.

The Gatekeeper

I think I have it figured out. Maybe.
 Bobs anger and aggression towards me has escalated to the point where I am going to have have them put him on calming meds, tranquilizers...or something. Everything..and I mean EVERYTHING, makes him angry.
He is no doubt feeling very out of control and it must be very frustrating for him.
 But as his caretaker & protector, I have to stop him from doing the things that he wants that may harm him or someone else, and also make him do things he doesn't, such as taking his meds, taking a shower, changing clothes etc. Somewhere in his mind I have become his enemy. I am the gatekeeper.
 When he is striking out  or spitting or being vulgar its not him..its the disease. I know that, but it is crushing me and it still hurts emotionally no matter how much I rationalize. His delusions have him paranoid. In my case it is also a little scary because he is starting to act out with such aggression and his body is still as healthy as ever.
I'm Still trying to keep that smile plastered on my face- a bounce in my step, a pep in my attitude....but its getting unbelievably hard.