Empty and Hollow

One of the worst things about this whole Dementia/Alzheimer's journey  is knowing it will only get worse. I tell myself daily not to think too far ahead which is hard to do, because you know-- We women are planners-- Yet at the same time, I can’t focus on the past because I will then compare the new Bob with the old Bob and that gets me no where So I am trying to concentrate on the present. Talk about a difficult task. Staying only in the present is almost impossible for me. I should not think of how bad it is going to be later or how much later it may be.  My natural inclination is to be positive and upbeat. Some days I am not sure my natural inclinations shine through.

How do you deal with what you know is coming and appreciate how good life is right at this moment? As if I don’t have enough on my plate, I have to figure all of my emotional right and wrongs and well- lets just say I am all over the charts on those-  No wonder some days I am just a slobbery mess.

I believe they refer to all of this as Anticipatory Grief.  I know what’s coming or at least I feel like I have a good idea of what's coming and in gearing up for what’s ahead you find yourself feeling the things that you think you will feel down the road. Basically mourning someone when they’re still around. I know this doesn’t really help but it’s a name for it, anyways.  A name for it and the feeling it leaves- I can only describe as empty or hollow.

This morning I woke up to a beautiful sunrise and my first thought was. AWESOME- what a great start to the day. I will make this the best day I can. I took Bob by the arm and to the picture window and said- "Look Hon-- How beautiful is that sunrise".  Old Bob would have run and grabbed his camera-- New Bob said " Big deal- I saw that a few days ago" ... There that feeling is again-Empty and Hollow-