I Dont Want to be in Charge.

 Living with someone that doesn’t seem to care one way or the other can become pretty lonely. Reading that text reminded me that I don’t really have anyone keeping me focused, balanced and in line. It is more than not having a partner in the decision making process; it is not having the person you didn’t want to disappoint or let down beside you. It is having some crazy idea about something around the house or with the finances and not having your better half to either agree or disagree with the notion.  I tend to over think and over analyze.
 I miss Conversations. I miss someone helping make life plans. How to spend money or not to spend money. I lay in bed agonizing over decisions and wondering if I am making a mistake  or if I could have done something better. Bob was my go to person, to listen, comment , advise, and to help me work through whatever it was I was contemplating or thinking about.
 About 3 or 4 months ago I realized I no longer even discuss most things with him because it either confuses him or frustrates me when he doesn’t remember the conversation or he comes back with some crazy, off the wall comment that didn’t even closely relate to what I was talking about. 
It is hard to imagine that he doesn’t notice the change in our relationship, or the dynamic that has shifted in our little family. He must. 
I miss the part of Bob that could stand up to me and tell me what he really thought. I miss the part of Bob that could have a serious conversation, going back and forth with our own personal opinions. 
I miss the funny, light side of Bob that could make me laugh and make me feel so special and so beautiful.
 I miss having a partner that I could count on to keep our family on the right path and help me be the best Grandma, Mom, wife and person I could be. I don’t trust myself to do this without him. I dont want to be in charge! 
 I hate this disease.